Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found your dick twin last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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