I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
