I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
