If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
