My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Pants are for mortals
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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