I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
