when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
