I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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