And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
