I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
