she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
