I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
