Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
