hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
