me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
