Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize