his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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