She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize