So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You took a bar mat shot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
