Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
