I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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