She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
