Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
