sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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