How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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