so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
