so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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