you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
