i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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