did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Houston, we have a blender
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
