Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
