You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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