Duck Duck Cougar?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
