Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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