remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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