Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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