Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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