I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
