I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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