im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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