You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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