she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
