Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
