I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
