I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
