Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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