I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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