So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
