I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
