dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I didn't shave. On purpose
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
