remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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