what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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