if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
