shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
