im drinking this country out of the recession.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
