It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
