Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
