Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
