i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm at about main and main street
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize