do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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