Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize